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Aries
: Love
| Work
| Health
| Personality
| Money
| Sexuality |
Aries have
ramlike eyebrows and smug expressions. They should not be
quite so smug because they are constantly clunking themselves
in the skull. Cat Stevens' "Hard Headed Woman" was
probably an Aries. Aries rarely say one thing and do another.
They usually do the wrong thing and don't discuss it. Never
point this out to an Aries unless you want your kidneys pulled
out through your sinuses.
Aries folks love Pisceans because Pisces people make them feel
well-grounded. Aries love to laugh at the funny moon-people
who suck their thumbs at age 35. Aries use guns to describe
philosophical concepts. Whether you live in a palatial estate
or a cardboard tepee, you will insist until death that it is
exactly what you always wanted. Most Aries were concrete
parking bumpers in at least two of their past lives.
Aries are never born. They skip gaily from their mothers'
wombs. This may even involve rollerblades. The Aries makes
life decisions as a toddler. Aries marry several times for
funnies but never divorce. Their spouses have many freak
accidents resulting in death or crippling injury. Being
infallible, God is probably an Aries. This would make Satan an
Aquarius. Aries always hold management positions. If one is
assigned to clean toilets, he will form a one-man union. Then
he will go and picket in the parking lot. All of you think
you're Lech Walesa.
People run away when an Aries comes around. They know that if
they do not, the Aries will set them on fire. Aries hate
listening to Scorpios talk because they take pride in being
even more self-centered. In fact, much to the Scorpios' dismay,
you are the biggest pricks in the zodiac. Your rams' horns are
in everyone else's asses.
Date of
Birth: 21 MARCH - 20 APRIL
Your ruling planet: Mars
Your lucky numbers: 1, 9
Day of the week:
Tuesday
Gemstones: Diamond, Ruby
Colours: Red, Orange
Metals: Iron
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