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Virgo
: Love
| Work
| Health
| Personality
| Money
| Sexuality |
You are a
pain in the ass. You regulate your breathing and
color-coordinate the clothes in your closet. No Virgo in
history has ever belched. Virgos clean every square inch of
everything they own twice daily with a toothbrush. Everything
has its place, and yours is on the floor scrubbing with a
magnifying glass, checking for germs. Obsessive-compulsive
disorder? A nice euphemism for the word "Virgo".
Virgos use pointers and elaborate charts to describe
philosophical concepts.
You commit a lot of drive-by shootings. When you are
questioned, you tell the police that it was because "the
bastard had a filthy car". The police usually let you go
because they are Virgos too. It is easy to freak out a Virgo.
Tell them they have something between their teeth. Then watch
them scrub frantically at the imaginary thing. Virgos are a
hell of a lot of fun for assholes like us. Hell for a Virgo is
being locked up in an elevator for eternity with a naked
Aquarius. That is because in hell, Aquarians are allowed to
bring beer, which they leave all over the floor. Virgos,
however, have to surrender their brooms and squeegees to God.
Virgos also have a hard time coping when they find out there's
something under the fridge. But it's usually just a depressed
Taurus. Virgos have read enough Hints from Heloise to know
that the depressed Taurus can be coaxed out from under the
fridge with a banana wine cooler. Virgos don't see the world
in shades of black and white. They see it in shades of clean
and dirty. Cat hair makes Virgos foam at the mouth. Virgos are
cool because they will do your laundry for you. They'll
separate everything by color and fabric until it consists of
fourteen loads of three things apiece. Then they will put them
in the washer in alphabetical order by name of manufacturer.
Virgos are often found opening and shutting the refrigerator
door, attempting to trick the light inside. Don't put cheese
where it doesn't belong in a Virgo's refrigerator. He or she
will go Jack Torrence on your ass. You will be stabbed with a
cuticle pusher. Jack Torrence was probably a Virgo in the
first half of "The Shining". After that, he went all
Leo.
Date of
Birth: 24 AUGUST - 22 SEPTEMBER
Your ruling planet: Mercury
Your lucky numbers: 2, 5
Day of the week: Wednesday
Gemstones: Sapphire
Colours: Green
Metals: Mercury
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